Heaven and Hell

between heaven and hell
that’s where you’ll find me

there are so many sublime moments
in my life
there are so many painful moments
in my life as well

there are days when i crave physical pain
beyond reason and my limits
because the physical pain washes everything out
washes out the emotional pain

i float away in a limbo of emotions and sensations
a cloud created out of my own nerve endings
sometimes the synapses just won’t stop snapping
and my mind screams for a reboot
but there is no off switch for this switch

cravings overwhelm me
the craving to be punished
the craving to punish

makes me just want to hit something hard
just to hit something
just to feel something different
just to feel

there are times when i don’t even have a name for what i am feeling
because it’s also so new and strange
i circumnavigate this new galaxy of desire
and feel weird things and weirdness inside and out

these past few months I’ve oversaturated my brain
with all things fetish and bdsm
out in the public world
but the jury is still out
about what i really want
because all of it, every single crumb,
pales in comparison
to the unbearable excitement i felt
in 10 years of private experience

so what do i want
yes what do i want

maybe i want
something that is yet to be discovered or defined

i miss being brought over the edge and back
i want that
i want that body and mental high so much
but i want so much a new form of it

somewhere

somewhere between heaven and hell
i hope to find it.

***Angel

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